i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This baby is an asshole
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
