just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
