just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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