You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
