Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
