this beer tastes like vomit already
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
