Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
