i think my mom watched the whole time
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
