i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I can't turn off my feet"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
