Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Randomize
