You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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