i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
