allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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