I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
