I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
