dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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