i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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