my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
