he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
