If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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