my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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