just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Even my vagina gasped.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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