I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Non-Jews are for practice
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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