im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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