You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
