like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She swung at the pinata with crutches
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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