I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I understand Curling. That high.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
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