I think i peed on brittanys purse
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
MIDGETS
????
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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