did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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