If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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