girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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