i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
