i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
