god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
