I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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