Tell her she can't have a vagina
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
