I can text with my tongue
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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