i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
