Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
