i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
