You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
