Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize