I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she smelled like a LAN party
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Sorry my hands just texted you
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
