Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
