I cannot find my penis.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
