NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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