What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
