I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
