I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
