She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
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