I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
