I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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