my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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