Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
