The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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