you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize