If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
