Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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